Podunk Meets Paradise

Musings from Central Idaho

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Police Blotter

From the April 28, 2016 Weekly Disappointment:

“Caller wanted to pass on some information she had heard at the bar. A man and woman were selling unpermitted guns and vacuum cleaners.”

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And, of course, this:

“Customer called because she was concerned about a business. The business is closed and no one is there. Her son had an appointment at 2 p.m. for a haircut and then rescheduled it to 3:30 p.m. Caller is not sure everything is OK or if this is normal. The doors to the business are locked and the lights are off.”

We Need More Crime in Podunk

When I wrote about the ballot initiative to make building a wave park in Podunk a crime, I have to admit I thought some of my fellow citizens had gone bat shit crazy. But then I checked out the Police Blotter in the Weekly Disappointment.

  • Bull reported out on Highway 28 at mile marker 111.
  • Black calf reported out on Highway 93 south near Lovers Lane.
  • Red cow reported on the road at about mile marker 110 to mile marker 111 on Highway 28. images
  • Horse reported standing in the road on Big Flat.
  • A bear cub was reported running loose in the area of City Park and Highway 28. After several tense moments, local law enforcement handed the response to Idaho Fish and Game officers. The bear cub was in the vicinity of the golf course with officers and others in pursuit.
  • Caller stated her name is Peyton Manning, the quarterback for the Broncos, and stated “she” came and took her son even though she was supposed to have him for the weekend. Caller would like to talk to an officer.

My fellow citizens, if it were not for stray animals and hallucinations, we would have no need for a police force. Judging from the newspaper, we in Podunk are “undercrimed.”

We need more crime.

Caller reported Peyton Manning constructing a kayak park adjacent to City property. Officer requested.

Police Blotter

From the Weekly Disappointment:

A lady was reported sleeping on caller’s lawn chair and seems out of place.

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Police Blotter

I haven’t done a very good job lately of sharing Podunk’s weekly police reports. I deeply apologize for this omission.
Here’s something from the April 17 paper:

Woman reported she is a truck driver and is traveling on Highway 28. She said approximately five miles east of town she observed a horse lying on its side in a pasture. She was concerned because when horses lay on their sides they are dead or dying. Dispatch assured her that it is normal for horses to lay down on occasion.

horse lying down

Woof

Sometimes my hometown of Podunk makes the news for its downright podunkery, for lack of a better word (and for promotion of my new line of podunkery merchandise).
This time, we’ve made the headlines for a planned wolf derby. And no, a wolf derby is not a bold variation of our signature community event — the beloved demolition derby. Although now that you mention it, I would have 20131223-103606.jpgto expect that ticket sales would be sizzling if we could get a pack of wolves to cruise around the fairgrounds in a badass black smoke spewing reinforced Lincoln Continental.
Really though, participants in the wolf derby get cash money for killing wolves and coyotes. It’s sort of a quasi-educational event with a special youth prize for killing. I guess you’ve got to admire the cleverness of people who are frustrated living, or hunting, among predators — put a price on the wolves’ and coyotes’ carnivorous heads and maybe we can hunt them until they are all gone. So 1880s, Podunk.

I get that people like the hunting outfitter organizing the event are concerned that elk and other wildlife are succumbing as dog treats.
So, why not sponsor one of those cool frisbee catching contests, but entering wolves and coyotes instead of another batch of smug border collies? Not only would this have high entertainment value, but the wild canines would be worn out and far less likely to chase big game. I can tell you that after just a few frisbee fetches, my dogs Romeo and Gus actually invite the neighborhood deer harem to bed down in my strawberry patch while they catch a few ZZZs.
This idea is money, wolf derbyers, and you can have it for free.
(But when the media call, tell them you saw it on Podunk Meets Paradise, LLC, first. I am still trolling for sponsors.)

Police Blotter

From the August 9, 2012 Salmon Recorder-Herald
– Cows were out and they were headed towards the park.

– A fire was reported up Sheep Creek on the right hand side of the road. Caller asked for Forest Service number and dispatch gave them fire dispatch number 756-5157. Later caller phoned back and apologized. He said it was only the moon coming up over the hill and not flames that he saw.

– A vehicle was reported spinning cookies at the City Park. Caller asked for an officer so perpetrators don’t hurt anything or themselves.

– Some kids were reported chasing a pig on the Red Rock Stage Road. Caller was scared it was going to go to the highway.

– Kids were reported jumping off of the big bridge. The caller did not think it was a good idea.

– Black cows were reported on the road.

– Caller said his 25-year-old wife just passed out in front of the Owl Club. She was fine all day and just collapsed.

Police Blotter

From the July 5 Recorder Herald:

A 19-year-old woman called to report that her mother is texting her with threats of swatting her.

Woman said a person entered her driveway in a silver Toyota car with an Idaho plate with 1A on it. The person was naked and told her the police had taken all his clothes and all he had was a bra and panties to wear. When the mailman interceded he said he was just going to Salmon.

Woman reported her sprinkler system won’t shut off and she didn’t think she could get it turned off.

Man reported two dogs running loose and said the dogs were aggressive. He also said his cat had been missing for a little while now.

Police Blotter

From the May 24, 2012 Recorder Herald:

Person wanted to know what time he had surgery and was given the hospital’s number.

Caller said there were two kids in full camo on the side of the hill on Riverfront Drive and it looked like they had some guns and they were pointing them at traffic. Officer on the scene reported the kids have sticks.

Police Blotter

From the May 10, 2012 Salmon Recorder Herald….

Woman reported a large unknown type of animal (dispatch thought it sounded lick (sp) a rock chuck) confronted her as she was attempting to enter her vehicle. Woman ran back to her house and the animal chased her and then ran under her house. She said the creature chirped at her.

[Editor’s note: When I went to college in the oh-so-sophisticated city of Spokane, Washington, I found out that the species I knew to be rock chuck and whistle pig had other more formal names (please see my earlier scientific journal log about whistle pigs). A rock chuck is also known as a yellow-bellied marmot …

Photo by Wanda Bates

and I’ve never known one to attack a human. Or maybe most humans are too prideful to admit that they’ve been chased into their house by a rock chuck.]

Police Blotter

From the April 19, 2012 Salmon Recorder Herald

– Woman reported a large dark colored dog with a white face that was outside her fence causing her dogs to bark.

– Woman said that she was following a large moving van all over the road and she thought it could be the wind but she was not sure. She said she would continue to follow him and if it got worse she would call 911 again. The truck was headed towards the Mud Lake area on Highway 28.

– Woman said she was driving down Main Street when a silver Toyota Tacoma was driving without headlights on. She flashed them to turn them on and now they were swerving at her and flipping her off.

– Man said that his vehicle was on fire and he needed the fire department. He said he was too scared to open the hood.

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