Sometimes my hometown of Podunk makes the news for its downright podunkery, for lack of a better word (and for promotion of my new line of podunkery merchandise).
This time, we’ve made the headlines for a planned wolf derby. And no, a wolf derby is not a bold variation of our signature community event — the beloved demolition derby. Although now that you mention it, I would have to expect that ticket sales would be sizzling if we could get a pack of wolves to cruise around the fairgrounds in a badass black smoke spewing reinforced Lincoln Continental.
Really though, participants in the wolf derby get cash money for killing wolves and coyotes. It’s sort of a quasi-educational event with a special youth prize for killing. I guess you’ve got to admire the cleverness of people who are frustrated living, or hunting, among predators — put a price on the wolves’ and coyotes’ carnivorous heads and maybe we can hunt them until they are all gone. So 1880s, Podunk.
I get that people like the hunting outfitter organizing the event are concerned that elk and other wildlife are succumbing as dog treats.
So, why not sponsor one of those cool frisbee catching contests, but entering wolves and coyotes instead of another batch of smug border collies? Not only would this have high entertainment value, but the wild canines would be worn out and far less likely to chase big game. I can tell you that after just a few frisbee fetches, my dogs Romeo and Gus actually invite the neighborhood deer harem to bed down in my strawberry patch while they catch a few ZZZs.
This idea is money, wolf derbyers, and you can have it for free.
(But when the media call, tell them you saw it on Podunk Meets Paradise, LLC, first. I am still trolling for sponsors.)