We Need More Crime in Podunk
When I wrote about the ballot initiative to make building a wave park in Podunk a crime, I have to admit I thought some of my fellow citizens had gone bat shit crazy. But then I checked out the Police Blotter in the Weekly Disappointment.
- Bull reported out on Highway 28 at mile marker 111.
- Black calf reported out on Highway 93 south near Lovers Lane.
- Red cow reported on the road at about mile marker 110 to mile marker 111 on Highway 28.
- Horse reported standing in the road on Big Flat.
- A bear cub was reported running loose in the area of City Park and Highway 28. After several tense moments, local law enforcement handed the response to Idaho Fish and Game officers. The bear cub was in the vicinity of the golf course with officers and others in pursuit.
- Caller stated her name is Peyton Manning, the quarterback for the Broncos, and stated “she” came and took her son even though she was supposed to have him for the weekend. Caller would like to talk to an officer.
My fellow citizens, if it were not for stray animals and hallucinations, we would have no need for a police force. Judging from the newspaper, we in Podunk are “undercrimed.”
We need more crime.
Caller reported Peyton Manning constructing a kayak park adjacent to City property. Officer requested.
Podunk Meets Paradise 
From the looks of it, you have plenty of crime; most of it caused by the apparent breakdown of discipline and order among the livestock. Is there a place for them to go in the evening? May I suggest a community center?
We should criminalize anyone suggesting that they build a community center for cows on city property. But I’m not ag’inst it.
I’m against the City of Salmon allowing foot or vehicle traffic, anywhere. One good stumble and the City will be liable.