Podunk Meets Paradise

Musings from Central Idaho

Archive for the tag “salmon idaho”

We Need More Crime in Podunk

When I wrote about the ballot initiative to make building a wave park in Podunk a crime, I have to admit I thought some of my fellow citizens had gone bat shit crazy. But then I checked out the Police Blotter in the Weekly Disappointment.

  • Bull reported out on Highway 28 at mile marker 111.
  • Black calf reported out on Highway 93 south near Lovers Lane.
  • Red cow reported on the road at about mile marker 110 to mile marker 111 on Highway 28. images
  • Horse reported standing in the road on Big Flat.
  • A bear cub was reported running loose in the area of City Park and Highway 28. After several tense moments, local law enforcement handed the response to Idaho Fish and Game officers. The bear cub was in the vicinity of the golf course with officers and others in pursuit.
  • Caller stated her name is Peyton Manning, the quarterback for the Broncos, and stated “she” came and took her son even though she was supposed to have him for the weekend. Caller would like to talk to an officer.

My fellow citizens, if it were not for stray animals and hallucinations, we would have no need for a police force. Judging from the newspaper, we in Podunk are “undercrimed.”

We need more crime.

Caller reported Peyton Manning constructing a kayak park adjacent to City property. Officer requested.

Kayaking Crimes in Podunk

Last year, when a Montana state legislator launched a crusade to ban yoga pants in our neighboring state, those of us south of the border got a good, competitive chuckle. “Oh Montucky,” we laughed, assuring our Idahoan selves that our neighboring state had just pulled ahead in the race to the bottom.

But now I can call out CANNONBALL!! as Podunk makes a splash in the shallow end of the pool. Yoga pants, yoga schmantz, we’re trying to make kayaking a crime right here in River City.

This photo was shot from a hidden camera at Kelly's Whitewater Park in Cascade, Idaho. Is this thereto what we want for our children in Podunk?

This photo was shot from a hidden camera at Kelly’s Whitewater Park in Cascade, Idaho. Is this thereto what we want for our children in Podunk?

Allow me to introduce Proposition 1, an Initiative to Criminalize and Penalize the Establishment of a Whitewater Kayak Recreational Park on City of Salmon Property.

In the words of one of my favorite literary giants, Dave Barry, I am not making this up.

And for those who think Podunk takes liberties with the truth, I’ll extract the words from the November 3 ballot verbatim, which in Latin means “to copycat.”


My personal favorite part of the voter’s pamphlet explaining Proposition 1 is the proponent’s statement. Wait for it….

“We are not against a Whitewater Kayak Park. However, we want to insure that the City of Salmon does not become involved with a Whitewater Kayak Park or any improvements related thereto on property owned by the City of Salmon.”

First of all, I make it a rule to never trust anyone trying to use the word “thereto” in a 21st Century sentence.

Second, can you really say you are not against something if you are trying to criminalize it?

Rep. David Moore told Montuckians he was not against yoga pants, they should just be illegal to wear in public, especially if they are beige, and don’t have a pocket (OK, I added the pocket part…I wish my yoga pants had a pocket).

Gentle Readers of Podunk, I challenge you: give me your best examples of things you are not against, but would like to make a crime. I need some time to think on this one.

Cold Muthas Rub Out the Icy Hots

Podunk’s premiere ladies hockey team, the Cold Muthas, accepted a challenge to play the Idaho Falls Icy Hots last night. I’m pleased to say that we were able to raise the victory flag with a convincing 4-3 win. The win was “convincing” because we were playing with a dirty goalie, a 14-year-old replacing her night’s babysitting wages with bribes from the crowd.

The refs were also supplementing their income at our expense.

The penalty called in this instance was "Too Many Muthas on the Ice." Bogus.

The penalty called in this instance was “Too Many Muthas on the Ice.” Bogus.

The evening provided me with a few insights. One of the Icy Hots, a statuesque youngish woman, sprawled forward on the ice, and bawled. Like a baby. Three highly trained medical professionals helped her off the ice where she promptly went — not to the emergency room — but to the bench, waiting for her next shift. Now, I don’t know what kind of handbook the Icy Hots have, but the Muthas agreed that if you lay on the ice and bawl like a baby without a compound fracture, you are no Mutha. I’ve got a player with two artificial hips, for criminey sakes. There is no crying in hockey.

Of course our training regimen is probably tougher than our opponents since we are coached by adolescent females. This would be an example of chariot races, where the mean teenage girls force the Muthas to push the already heavy net around the ice while they perch on top of it.

To be a champion, you must train like a champion.

To be a champion, you must train like a champion.

The Icy Hots do not train in this fashion. I could tell.

I’m not going to lie — I’m a little sore today. But I am questioning whether that was due to my performance on the ice or post-victory locker room shenanigans involving my sidekick Lucy (also known by her hockey name 2L Mutha) riding around on my back like I was her personal Shetland pony.

And I don’t think we ever came to resolution on the big question of the day, “Which is the better sports drink — chardonnay or cab?” Ideas?

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