Our credit card got hacked last week, and my potential new sponsor — Capital One, what’s in your wallet? — called it from a mile away. Before you could say, “Bob’s your uncle,” Capital One had restricted the card’s use.

So what tipped the geniuses at Capital One off? you might ask.

The attempted purchase of a luxury item, that’s what. So completely out of character for the Podunks that a corporation founded mostly on greed (this is why I don’t get sponsors), turned the credit faucet off IMMEDIATELY.

This is what Capital One’s fraud bureau decided “does not compute”:

Woman posing as Podunk, wearing her Daniel Wellington watch and a severed hand.

This gentle readers, is a Daniel Wellington watch from Sweden, and I can’t have one. To be clear, neither Iron Chef nor I were making this purchase. But the thought that our credit would be automatically cancelled if we tried to buy one is kind of cool from an intelligence standpoint, and sort of depressing from a lifestyle point of view.

Hear me out. Capital One doesn’t blink a beady eye when Chef buys hundreds of dollars of hog casings from places called Manly Meat Warehouse. If we drive like a bat out of hell in the middle of winter toward Gillette, Wyoming (which should trigger anyone’s computer model), Capital One does not question the propriety of gas station stops that look like they belong to Bonnie and Clyde.

But a little bling and the bogus button gets pushed? It’s possible we’ve become too predictable for our own good.

Now don’t hesitate to tell Capital One, what’s in your wallet? that I need a sponsor.