Now that my 79 and Under Ladies Hockey Team has made some serious development progress — some of us can snap our own chin straps on our helmets, I can nearly stop on my right side (stay away from lefty if you value your safety), and we’ve decided by consensus to not waste any time learning the rules of the game — the Cold Muthas seem ready for the next logical step: creating a soundtrack.
I interrupted my grueling hockey training earlier this week for a rare burst of work. A colleague of mine, Cool Cool LJ (who would most certainly be a Cold Mutha if she lived in Podunk), taught me the value of a soundtrack by persistently and subversively humming the classic R&B tune “You’ll Never Find” throughout our 2-day meeting. The end result was Cool Cool entranced us with Lou Rawls’ sexy confidence and we gave into everything she wanted. Pure genius.

The sexy R& B confidence of Lou Rawls — weapons of the weak.

http://youtu.be/AcwYEGdKto8

We need some tunes that can simultaneously invigorate the Muthas and put fear in the hearts of our foes. This task is made more difficult by the fact that we are soon to challenge the Salmon Rapids Mites division. The Mites are mostly in the first grade.

So here’s my start on the Cold Muthas pump jam.

1. Respect (Aretha Franklin). R&B can subvert hockey, too.

2. Girlfriend (Avril Lavigne). This song is all sassy playground.

3. Hollaback Girl (Gwen Stefani). That shit is bananas, b-a-n-a-n-a-s.

4. She’s So Mean (Matchbox 20). No further explanation needed.

5. Take Your Mama (Scissor Sisters). I have always liked this Elton Johnsian song that advises one to take your mama out and jack her up on cheap champagne. Look out, mama, I’m coming home!

6. Hot Mess (Cobra Starship). This song addresses my previous column and the lack of adequate breaks.

7. Hips Don’t Lie (Shakira featuring Wyclef Jean). My post-hockey practice hips don’t lie either. This song makes me think more mambo, or whatever Shakira and her friends are talking about, might help.

8. Temperature (Sean Paul). In one fell swoop, Sean Paul makes me feel better about single digit temps and gives me a beat to work out with my hockey stick. Keeper.

9. Lose Yourself (Eminem). OK, it’s an old fallback, but seriously, If you had one shot, one opportunity, would you capture it or just let it slip?

10. Think (Aretha Franklin). Bookending the Cold Muthas warmup soundtrack with the Queen of Soul? You bet your sweet bippy.

OK, now to field test.