AT&T wrote me a letter recently. The letter informed me that my cell phone was so old their new cell phone towers would no longer support my telephone-type activities. But, they let me down easy. I could get a new, cell phone tower supported device, for nada.

I hate spending money on phones. We established that fact last winter as our family got bent over the bike rack on data plans. So I picked free phone. Free, by the way, is not iPhone. Not even last year’s model iPhone.  Not recycled on its way to Namibia iPhone. Nope. Free is LG Optimus G Pro. The LG Optimus G Pro is, I’ve come to find out, a fablet. That’s a fone-tablet or a fat tablet, or something big that no one else wants.

I think of it as holding a paperback book to my head.

Contrary to what people advised me, I do not love the smart phone. I don’t want to smear my finger around my phone. I want to answer the phone, and sometimes I want to dial.

I miss my Pantech Breeze. I even miss texting using 1-a-b-c, 2 d-e-f technology. Breezey was small and knew her job.

No longer supported.

I can’t order a case for LG Large that does not include an easel. I think it would be a smart phone if it had pop out wheels that would turn it into a long board. Or pop out legs so it could be a picnic table.

And when I text people, my texts say, “Podunk sent this from her LG Large Optimus G Pro because she is a big cheapskate and picked the free phone.” And I haven’t figured out how to change this feature because figuring it out requires me to smear my finger all over the phone and I don’t want to.

I do not think LG is going to sponsor me.