Podunk Meets Paradise

Musings from Central Idaho

Police Blotter – 2/16/12

The Salmon weekly, the Recorder Herald, disappointed today in the policy blotter section, and that doesn’t happen very often.

I mean there was the pre-requisite roadkill call, “Person hit an elk on the highway at approximately mile marker 325.”

But compared to the 12/29/11 blotter … “Man said he was trying to locate a telephone operator that he could talk to in person, not an automated voice message because there was nothing that fits his needs.”

or

“Man reported that his daughter got up this morning and was disoriented and drove off in his vehicle.”

…this was nothing. Fortunately, I turned to the letters to the editor section. Floyd L. Bones is an old man in town and he’s kind of an angry stalker. And a hater. He hates my fabulous organization Salmon Valley Stewardship, the Lemhi Regional Land Trust, the Salmon Arts Council, City Council, County Commissioners, BLM, Forest Service, School District, the president, and so on.

His latest letter is titled “Depopulating Lemhi County.” Floyd accuses a wide range of conspirators of pursuing the fantastic Agenda 21, a United Nations-inspired plot to depopulate Lemhi County, where by the way, all 8,000 of us are crowded into a space as tiny as Pluto, which may or may not be a planet.

But the crazy thing is, I can’t even argue with him because he lined his letter with a silver bullet. Before signing his letter, he inserted this pithy Arthur Schopenhauer quote: “All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is self evident.”

So, drat, if I give into temptation and make comparisons between Floyd Bones and Mike Myers playing Mike Myers’ crazy Scottish dad in “So I Married an Axe Murderer” ….

Stuart Mackenzie: Well, it’s a well known fact, Sonny Jim, that there’s a secret society of the five wealthiest people in the world, known as The Pentavirate, who run everything in the world, including the newspapers, and meet tri-annually at a secret country mansion in Colorado, known as The Meadows.
Tony Giardino: So who’s in this Pentavirate?
Stuart Mackenzie: The Queen, The Vatican, The Gettys, The Rothschilds, *and* Colonel Sanders before he went tits up. Oh, I hated the Colonel with is wee *beady* eyes, and that smug look on his face. “Oh, you’re gonna buy my chicken! Ohhhhh!”
Charlie Mackenzie: Dad, how can you hate “The Colonel”?
Stuart Mackenzie: Because he puts an addictive chemical in his chicken that makes ya crave it fortnightly, smartass!

… I’ve already played into his hands and moved my piece to Stage 1! Argh, the craftiness of it all.

I’m doubtful that even a sneering gasbag could nudge me to Stage 2, Violent Opposition, but I am an especially patient woman, and it’s possible that Mr. Bones repeated references to some of my more spirited colleagues as “moral prostitutes” could merit a swift kick in the gunnysack.

Then, there we go, we’re Stage 3, Self Evident Truth. Played right into the bastard’s hands.

My freshman year at Whitworth, I eagerly signed up for Constructing a Philosophy of Life. As a 19-year-old, Schopenhauer’s general conclusions about our natural inclination toward irrationality didn’t sit well with me. I was hoping for something a little more orderly. A few decades later, I should probably thank Floyd Bones for the re-introduction.

To reciprocate, I’ll offer a favorite quote myself.

“I’m telling you a lie in a vicious effort that you will repeat my lie over and over until it becomes true.” — Lady GaGa

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9 thoughts on “Police Blotter – 2/16/12

  1. “swift kick in the gunnysack” makes me laugh out loud. I have serious ties in Salmon, that’s all I’m saying for now.

  2. M. Tucker on said:

    Yee ha and amen sister! May you never lose your sense of humor!

  3. Oh, Lloyd will be a-cryin himself to sleep tonight on his great, huge pillow.

    Great piece — referred to your blog by Clarence Worly and am heartily enjoying it.

  4. Pinnochia Snarkly on said:

    The angry old man has found your blog and is handing out printouts of parts of this post.

  5. Maybe I’ll increase readership beyond my parents, my high school English teacher, and my college roommate.

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