The Trouble with Scandals

When late night smarty pants Charlie Rose fell from grace last month, the veteran journalist took a lot of people down with him. Including yours truly, Podunk.

No, Mr. Rose did not parade around naked in front of me, nor did he grab my buttocks in an ill-fated attempt to be a guest blogger for this online media powerhouse.

But the lewd and predatory behavior that eventually wrecking balled Rose’s career also razed one of my longtime creative projects — the Charlie Rose Nighty Night app. I know now it just sounds perverted, but for years I have been convinced that there is no better sleeping aid than Charlie Rose interviewing someone, preferably with a thick accent, about world economics.

This interview with Javad Zarif, Iran’s Minister of Foreign Affairs, for example, reportedly lasted for one hour. I wouldn’t know, however. You could have removed my spleen with a garlic press after 3 minutes of this chatter and I would have been none the wiser.

Charlie’s interview with Klaus Schwab about the World Economic Forum hypnotized me so completely I slept solidly for 12 hours, waking groggily with the vague memory of a dream containing umlauts.

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Watch Rose’s interview with Mr. Schwab here: Do NOT operate heavy machinery while watching.

My idea was simple — I would combine sleep shades that would wrap around your ears, piping my hand-selected, coma-inducing Charlie Rose smart talk into your central nervous system. The product would serve millions of people who suffer from sleep disorders, potentially resulting in a humanitarian prize and a car with leather seats.

But now it’s all ruined. The only thing I have to show for my inventive genius is a pirate eye patch gorilla taped to some ear muffs.

Thanks a lot, Charlie Rose.

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