When Her Royal Highness and Odd Number were wee babes, I operated under the assumption that if baby formula touched their infant lips, ruin would fall upon our household. The fears were multi-faceted and ranged from worries that baby formula would cause low IQs, delayed potty training, and/or severe psychological trauma.

I just made the rounds at Podunk Senior High’s parent-teacher conference last week, and I’m pleased to say that the breast milk seems to be contributing to great grades and perfectly acceptable toilet habits. Psychosis is difficult to diagnose, but I’ll play the odds and say we’re keeping our heads above water.

But it just doesn’t matter! Because now that they are big kids, and trust me, long since weaned — now, they’ve decided to move to formula. As HRH continues to hone her physique and Odd scavenges for calories to help him get bigger than his sister, they have dozens of mongo containers of formulas like Serious Mass stationed throughout the house.

Serious Mass!

There are so many I’ve started a design to use them as rain barrels in my yard.

But that’s not the point. The point is that the parenting books may have presented only one side of the coin. Oh sure, we can tell ourselves that nursing does wonders to create attachment between mothers and children, but seriously, so does allowance. What if, accidentally, I caused these kids to crave the comfort of a large plastic carton filled with whey?

This parenting business is tricky.