It’s not earth shaking news that I broke my fabulous fablet and had to buy a new phone. Why wouldn’t you engineer a multi-HUNDRED dollar device to be super fragile, shattering at only the third time someone drops you on your glass face? I switched from my no-name fablet brand to the illustrious, black turtleneck wearing iPhone. Even with its sexy name-brand cachet, I treat my phones like an old school walkie talkie, speaking into them on the infrequent occasion when I feel the need, expecting the person on the other end to be waiting for my words, and ideally, promptly reply.

But then, in a surprise move, Iron Chef gave up his rotary telephone for an iPhone, and in true Cheffy style, proceeded to learn how to use the device. How very annoying. The only thing that I knew about Siri the Talking Phone Robot was that she sprang to life at inopportune moments just because I was holding my finger on a phone button or two. Chef immediately began to treat Siri like a trusted friend, asking for advice and recommendations. A friend of mine in his 60s (whom I call Brian for this blog’s purposes, because his name is Brian, and unlike many of my friends, does not need to hide under the cloak of darkness) demonstrated Siri’s powers to me. “When is the World Series on tonight?” he asked Her Wiseyness, and she answered, in Mountain time, daylight savings or whatever fully taken into consideration.

In the privacy of my own home, I tried asking Siri a few questions whose answers had thus far eluded me.

“Siri, why should we criminalize the construction of a whitewater park?” I spoke my question into the rectangular robot goddess, thinking of the November 3 election and the Proposition One question on the ballot.

“I’m not sure how to respond to your question,” Siri told me, devoid of emotion.

Then, like a polite family friend, she offered some things we could talk about…

I’m not going to lie, I’m creeped out. I mean, I didn’t even know I had a sister. And who is this Nikkei person?

My advice — vote your conscience on November 3rd in Podunk, and Podunk-like places all over the land. Siri is stumped on this one.